Home as Sanctuary

Wow.  This is the view from the apartment I moved into two months ago.  This is also what I call ”the cathedral” because it’s where I sit on my deck and let awe overtake me for the beauty of our planet and that I get to be right here at this place at this particular time.  It’s the closest I come to worship and is usually accompanied by a prayer of thanks.

I did not want to move.  I’d finally gotten into a house for the first time since leaving Georgia and she was a beauty.  To me.  But while she was almost perfect aesthetically, functionally she wasn’t quite so lovely.  From leaking pipes to crumbled chimneys, it seemed one thing after another went wrong.  The landlords lived out of state and were less than enthusiastic about helping out with anything.  When it looked like they would not get the furnace repaired before winter I knew it was time to go.  I love winter in Montana, but not without heat!  So I reluctantly began to look for another place.

Ironically, I’ve ended up back in the same apartment buildings where I lived when I first moved here.  But I’m a little higher up and a little farther west and I’m pretty sure I’ve got one of the best apartment views in town.  Still, I wasn’t thrilled about moving.

We were just starting to get comfortable and Kisster got sick and died and then I had to get used to the place without her.  And I think I finally am.  Getting used to it that is.  The advantages are many:  no yard work, no unannounced visits from landlords, no moldy basement or leaky pipes.  I have a dishwasher and a garbage disposal!  I’ve run the dishwasher once – just doesn’t make sense for one person.  But it’s still an apartment and I really liked living in a house.

But what I realize is that home is where I am.  Home is what I make it.  I don’t know if it’s some mid-life thing, but I’ve gotten exponentially more domestic over the past few years.  Who knew nesting was a side-effect of menopause? I like to smell good things on the stove and I like to feed other people.  I think it’s one of the most giving things to do.  It’s spiritual.  I literally feel like I’m embodying the goddess when I’m just doing things around the house  and I often think there’s no more sacred thing to do.  I can’t really explain it, but it seems, well,  important enough.  I’m adopting another kitten.  This one is almost totally blind, but she’s beautiful (beautiful and non-functional, seems to be a theme, huh?) and I’m going to give her a good home with lots of love and food.

But this moving crap?  It’s for the birds.

Request your input

I’ve been a member of a writer’s group that meets once a month for three years.  Due to lots of unforseen events that occurred this year, I hadn’t been in several months, but have attended the past two.  I committed to read in November and now I’ve got to try and do some “real” writing!  I recently became interested in the year 2012 and specifically the December 21, 2012 date.  I’ve done some reading and research and have decided to write on this.

So I’m wondering.  What, if anything, have you heard about this date?  What, if anything, have you read about the whole 2012 phenomenon, and what, if anything, do you think about it?  If you feel your response is too long for a comment, please e-mail it to me at gailnolan2002@yahoo.com.  If you don’t have a clue what the heck I’m talking about, please let me know that, too.

While I haven’t recovered my readership since closing Eclectic Recovery, the readers I do have are all smart, well-read, interested and interesting people so I’m eager to hear from you!  Thanks!

The Cathedral

                                                                                                                                                                                       

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.

Don’t go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.

Don’t go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill where two worlds touch.

The round door is open.

Don’t go back to sleep.

 

Rumi

A Very Personal Political Essay

Eric Frances over at Planet Waves has been writing a lot about how the current astrology points again and again to the concept of “The Personal is Political.”  Well, of course it is.  It always has been; we just haven’t always been awake to it. But I think as houses foreclose, jobs disappear and food on the table becomes scarce for more and more Americans, we’re  waking up and we’re waking up in pain!

I’m not an “undecided” voter.  My beliefs around things like a woman’s right to choose, the environment, fiscal responsibility and “spreading democracy” make who to vote for this year an easy decision for me.  What’s not so easy is dealing with the people in my life, people I love and respect, who feel and think very differently.  We really are split right down the middle and it’s not a good place to be.  Someone is going to be elected a month from now and everyone else is just going to have to deal with it . . . or move to Canada (something I have actually considered!).

Here’s what you might find surprising.  I’m voting for Obama and I think the future will be better if he wins.  But I also think that whoever wins this election is being voted into a system that’s broken.  We’re finally seeing that capitalism is not the idea that will move us into a sustainable future.  We’re seeing that what we’ve done to the environment is quickly approaching catastrophe. And we continually see that even the most principled are easily led astray.   The time of pinning our hopes on the one great leader who will make everything right is over.  It’s going to be up to us.

My lover and I have come close to splitting up over this election.  Much to my extreme chagrin, he believes some of the worst nonsense that’s out there – the most ludicrous lies to come out of the political propoganda machine.  Really, thank god he’s not registered to vote.  But that’s not what almost closed the door on the relationship; it was that initially he could not discuss it without attacking me personally.  I was misinformed, being led astray, gullible, emotional, and quite possibly, not very smart.  These are familiar accusations.  We had a talk in which I said we would not discuss it further until we could do so without getting personal.  So we didn’t discuss it for awhile.  And when we did again, we debated like two adults.  I stood my ground and he stood his and we did it without making the other person wrong.

When George Bush was re-elected in 2004 it was the first time I remember feeling real despair over politics.  I admit that I carried deep resentment for anyone that voted for him and I guess that’s about half the country.  I’m letting that go.  None of us are misinformed.  We’re no longer being led astray, or gullible, or ignorant.  We’re very smart and we know what we believe in or we’re straddling the fence.  That goes for the people who will vote for Obama as well as those that will choose McCain.

So here’s what I’ve decided:  no matter how nasty the campaign gets, and it looks to be one of the worst, I will not get nasty myself.  I will debate and argue my position all day long, but I will put it all aside, in my head and in my heart – fully, because I think we’re going to need each other.  Whoever is elected in November, I will still be right here on a day-to-day basis with my lover, my employer, my friends and my family.  I don’t like to be an alarmist, but I think things are going to get worse before they get better – economically and environmentally – and we’re going to need each other.

I hope you will join me in this commitment to rise above the flack and extend your hand to your fellow villagers no matter on which side of the political debate they stand because I think we’re going to need each other more than ever.

My Dear Little Girl

My sweet little Kisster left this world Tuesday evening.  She was a wonderful companion and friend and I miss her so much.  She was only 9 years old, but she had health problems from the get-go and was slated to be euthanized the day after I adopted her.  I was with her at the end and she went peacefully.  She had gotten quite ill and I’m glad she didn’t suffer much at all, but there is such an emptiness in the apartment and in my heart.   Goodbye, sweet girl.  I love you always.

A Tribute

Thank you for your generous spirit, your obvious kindness and for setting an example for the rest of us.  You will be greatly missed here on planet Earth, but I hope wherever all that wonderful energy went, it’s in an even better position to aid us.  We need it.  A fond farewell to a human being who was as gorgeous on the inside as he was on the outside.

Disturbing Conversations

I’m originally from the South.  Normally, I’m quite proud of this, but I’ve been having some disturbing conversations with friends and family members back home.  They tend to go something like this:

“Well, I like Obama.  I like him a lot.   But we just don’t think we can vote for a black down here.”

I usually sit in stunned silence until I can ask, “Well, who will you vote for?”

The most common answer?  “We won’t vote.”

How disturbing is that, people?

The Cathedral

This is the cathedral here at the Church of the Big Sky Jesus with Bear Signs Following.  It’s the view from the apartment I moved into a month ago.  I look forward to sharing it with you as the seasons change and the landscape transforms.

Devotional

Hey, what kind of church would this be if it didn’t offer devotionals?  Today’s is from “The Soul’s Companion” by Tian Dayton, Ph.D.  It’s called:

The Laboratory of Soul Growth

John Keats said “call the world, if you please, the vale of soulmaking.  Life is a laboratory for soul growth; the day-to-day situations and circumstances that we encounter are the means through which we investigate the deeper truths of life, grist for the mill of soulmaking.  When we learn to use everyday life as our personal journey toward self and soul, we grow gradually toward a higher state of consciousness and a more meaningful existence.  I will use the physical and psychological situations in my life as vehicles for soul growth.  I will use the circumstances in my life as my personal journal of soulmaking, my path toward my own individual soul.  The world is a puzzle waiting to be solved, ever presenting new and complicated situations for me to work and grow through.  I recognize that my life is a workbook that I address at my own rate.

Thank you for visiting the church.

What is Eclectic Recovery?

When I originally wrote this post, I was under the mistaken impression that I could put it under a page called “Eclectic Recovery” and post under that page with a password protected entry for people who were interested.  I found out I couldn’t do that and was faced with a dilemma.  Do I go ahead and post it on the blog when part of the reason I created a new blog was to move away from identification as alcoholic?  Obviously, I decided to publish it and I decided it because people are still finding the Eclectic Recocvery blogspot blog and writing me to thank me for offering another way to frame their experiences with alcohol, with different recovery models or their own efforts at a full and joyful life.  I probably won’t write too much about this here – maybe I’ll just go back to the old blog for that, but it is part of my story so I decided to go ahead with it.  Thank you for visiting the church.

Eclectic Recovery is the term I’ve come to use for the recovery model I’ve developed for myself.  It’s an unusual model to say the least.  I had described myself as alcoholic since entering treatment in 1988 and subsequently spending six years in AA.  I was also a pretty heavy drug user at times having been addicted to cocaine in my early 20’s and benzodiasepam later in my life. 

After relapsing in 1994, I found myself unable to return to AA with the same sobriety success that I had enjoyed for the previous six years.  I began to search around for alternatives and discovered a couple that were helpful, but nothing that would stick.  I would maintain sobriety for pretty extensive lengths of time – several months, a year, but eventually I would drink.  It became apparent to me that what I had learned to do to myself when I drank was much worse than the actual drinking.  The guilt, shame and remorse would eat away at my self-esteem and send me spiraling into depression.  So, after many, many years I decided to stop it.

So.  I attend no recovery meetings and no longer describe myself as alcoholic.  I stay sober most of the time and when I do drink I understand that it is a choice (something you won’t find in most recovery models) and accept personal responsibility for making that choice.   Sometimes I still drink too much.  Sometimes I still drink too many days in a row.  But what I don’t do is let this problem rule my life or take away my joy.  I don’t do that by making an intentional decision to allow grace into my life, to revere the beauty of the earth, to nurture and comfort my body and my being, and to consciously feel the love I share with my people.  If alcohol begins to interfere with these things, I put it down.